Dear Mum
The honeymoon was wonderful. The log cabin we stayed in on Lake Tekapo was stunning. It looked directly across the lake up into the mountains. In the mornings mist covered the lake and as it lifted the bush was like a green patchwork blanket that Granny had made; lots of contrasting textures and shades with speckles of brown stitching holding it all together. The water is so clear I am sure you can see the bottom at centre if you looked hard enough. We spent several nights curled up in front of the large stone fireplace. David cooked us fresh fish he caught and the owner delivered fresh produce daily. The seafood is getting more appealing although I still can’t keep an oyster down. The smell of wood, the crackle of fire and the peace and quiet so reminds me of the times in the Lake District as children.
We moved into the Farm house when we got back. The house is ok. It is a three bedroom railway cottage. The interior is stuck in the 70’s for sure but I somehow I quite like the orange kitchen and avocado bathroom. I will start making our own pretty soon. It is much larger than an average UK house, probably a similar size to the houses on the east side of Blackheath Common.
We have 6000 sheep so David will be kept busy for sure. We will most probably get a couple of farm workers who will stay in the sleep out attached to the garage. He has said we will spend plenty of time in (name of town) so I won’t be lonely and there is bound to be a women’s league in area which I can join.
It’s a little daunting but I am sure I will get used to it and hopefully it won’t be too long before I will have some little company.
Well I had better get going and will call soon. Much love always.
Jenny and David
Dear Mum
Sorry it’s been so long since my last letter we have been well busy with getting ready for lambing. David has not yet found a second farm hand so I have been helping out. Its very hard work and David always seems to be working but he needs to as there is so much to do. We have been into (name of town) a couple of times for dinner which was nice. The first time was just at the little café. The food was really good and cheap too. We only had fish and chips (fush and chups) but it was dead good. David still can’t get over the vinegar idea but I guess I am the same with tomato sauce and David’s insistence to pour it on everything. The second was meant to be a flash restaurant but is certainly was no Nobu. It was ok but the service was shite (rubbish?). The waitress spent more time talking to the regulars than worrying about us. Maybe when we have been here longer we will get the same service, not that we will go back there in a hurry.
James the farm hand is good. He is from up north near Wellington. He will be with us until the end of lambing. The winter has been really harsh so far. We had a big snow fall the other day, 60cm, about 20 inches of snow. David is hoping that will be the last of it because it can be well bad for the lambs if we get too much during the season. We are still advertising for another farm hand but David thinks he might just flag it as it would take too much to get them up to speed with all that needs to be done on the farm and where everything is.
No luck on the pitter-patter front, I guess practice makes perfect, but any practice probably would help too. It’s ok though I know David is working hard for us so it will happen when the time is right, or when David isn’t so tired.
Better go for now.
Much love
Jenny and David
Dear Mum
It’s beginning to feel real. We have passed the danger stage and we should be all set for a (month) birth. At 13 weeks the midwife is quietly confident that all is looking good. We had a BBQ on the weekend and Paul and Sarah came so we told them. Sarah went straight home and congratulated us on her Facebook page so the cat is certainly out of the bag now. We have decided not to find out what it will be. I know a lot of people would prefer to know but we want it to be a surprise. I have had a couple of dreams of pushing a little girl on a swing so I am guessing that is giving me a hint but who knows. David is sure that it’s is a boy because all the first born in his family in the last few years have been. I don’t think he knows what he is talking about.
We have brought some furniture for nursery but the little one will spend the first few months in with us. We were going to just paint but the midwife advised that I shouldn’t in my condition so we have acquired some wall paper instead which is quite lovely, you would approve. Its lemon with letters embossed. We are going to put a freeze of the alphabet three quarters up the wall. The furniture that we got is all natural wood so will match perfectly and it won’t matter if it is a boy or a girl. We can add things to make it more theirs as they get older.
David is well excited. I haven’t seen him this excited since he brought the new tractor and that is saying something. He is still working hard but he is making more of an effort to try and spend more time with me. It is a big farm so I do understand that he runs out of hours in the day.
I so wish you could be here for the birth.
Oh well better go and start some dinner for David and the boys.
Much love
Jen
Dear Mum
The results came back from the autopsy. They could not find anything wrong as such. The midwife believes that it may have been the umbilical cord around her neck but they can’t be sure. From her size they think she was probably at 18 weeks which seems about right although I didn’t give birth until I was 20. I had to wait until they had a space at the hospital.
It is the strangest sensation not feeling anything after she had been so active. I knew something was wrong. Julie had said that sometimes they do settle down and not to panic. When the doctor couldn’t find the heart beat though it was hard. The two weeks afterward were hell knowing that she was dead inside me but also having maybe glimmer of hope that they got it wrong. You constantly wait for another little kick or flutter but it never comes.
I hate hospitals at the best of times but you think that they would make a birthing ward a little more inviting and pleasant. I think it’s the smell that gets me the most, not the dreary walls and varying shade of beige and grey, but the smell of sterility, germs and death lingering everywhere. Yuk.
David got the neighbour to look after the farm for the day when we went to have her. They had to induce me. I’m not sure the nurse knew what she was doing. She said it would be ages before it would happen so I was wandering around my room. I knew that it wasn’t going to take long. I sent David off to try and find the nurse. I was trying to hold but just couldn’t. I caught her as she came out. It was horrible. It seemed like ages before David and the nurse came back. I didn’t know what to do I just held the bloody mess for what seemed like forever. Oh mum I wish you were there. The nurse quickly whipped her away and cleaned her up and brought her back wrapped in a little white cloth. David and I held her for while but then we gave her back so that they could examine her to see if there was anything wrong. We picked her up the other day. It’s weird but she is in our freezer until we have decided what to do. We think we will probably bury her under a rose bush or something like that. Just not too sure, we haven’t really discussed it. We haven’t named her but I like the name Holly.
David has been pretty quiet. I don’t think we know what to say to each other. I need a big hug but I don’t think he can at the moment. I know it’s hard on him too but I sort of wish he would just yell at me tell me or tell me it’s all ok, or just something. He just seems so empty. I know he doesn’t blame me, well at least I think he doesn’t.
I really miss you mum.
Love Jen
Dear Mum
We had our three year anniversary the other day, not that you would think so, David forgot. Life is pretty hard at the moment. Money is tight and David and I have decided not to try for another baby for until we are in a better position, financially and emotionally, if he knows what that is.
I also told David I didn’t want to do anymore farm work and that he needs to get another farm hand. He says we can’t afford it so he is picking up the slack which is his reason for not spending any time at the house. Not convinced.
James comes to visits a lot and he is good to talk to. The other farm hand I hardly ever see. We get on well James and me. He’s funny and has a good sense of humour. It’s nice to have a bit of light relief around the place. He is easy on the eye too and if he wasn’t the farm hand and I wasn’t married I would say he was well lush. It’s funny though no matter how good looking a guy can be the smell of cow manure can still make him look well ugly.
I joined a woman’s group to meet some new friends in town to get away from the farm but they are all a bit clicky. They all love farming and all they seem to talk about is farming. None of them have travelled and only lived i the district. If I try and talk about David or relationship problems they all seem to side with David. It’s a waste of time really. James is more understanding. I don’t think I will go back.
We buried Holly under a flax bush. It took us six months and we actually haven’t spoken of it once since.
Anyway better go.
Love Jenny.
Dear Mum
David has moved into the sleepout. He says he can’t handle me nagging him all the time and says if I don’t like it I should leave. Leave and go where I ask. I have tried and tried. It has been five years on this god forsaken place. I have no friends David won’t even look at me let alone sleep in the same bed. What am I supposed to do? I don’t want to pack up and come back to the UK, I couldn’t bare the I told you so’s.
James has left the farm. I am going to miss him, miss our talks. He was a good listener and it was good to have a laugh. He is going to work up north. I’ve got his number and he says I can call him any time but it won’t be the same. I think David is glad to see him go.
I wish you would tell me it’s alright, what to do or how I can fix this. It’s so hard. I know I loved David once and maybe I still do. I know he loved me. It just hurts all the time. What happened? Maybe we weren’t ready for a baby? Things haven’t been the same since we lost Holly. I just don’t know. I really wish you were here to tell me what the right thing to do is or tell me it’s going to be ok. Anyone to tell me it’s going to be ok.
My stomach always has butterflies but they are not monarchs they are those half eaten moths sitting scavenging on my insides. My chest physically hurts and I can’t stop thinking of Holly. What could I have done to prevent her death, what did I do wrong. The more I think of David the more I resent him bringing me to this place. Was it his idea to lock me up on this desolate waste land where I am meant to play house and have no life or friends.
Mum I just want to scream but I know if I do no one will hear me. It shouldn’t be this hard, it hurts.
RE: Ashes
Sent: Tuesday, 23rd March, 2010
To: Graham Little
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Hi Graham
Just confirming our conversation the other night. I arrive on Friday at 2:30pm at terminal 5, Heathrow. I will come and stay with you for the two nights then we can go up to the Lake District. I never went there when I was in the UK but Jen spoke fondly of it and I think she would like your idea to be scattered where her mother was.
I didn’t really want to but I have included the letter Jen left as you asked. I would appreciate it if you kept this to yourself or burn it when you are done. I loved your daughter very much but I am so angry right now so please don’t be offended at my lack of understanding on the phone. Why she chose to do it on her anniversary of her mother’s death I just don’t get it. I’m sorry.
See you in a few weeks.
Regards
David
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